May 5th, 2005

there!, Hello

Addendum: On Fear

So, in that meme I included a couple of posts ago, I lied. Not a very important lie, but one I've come to realize recently. Just so you don't have to flip back to a lousy thing like that, let me tell you what it is.

In the section marked, 'what are you afraid of?' I replied 'failure.' Now, that's a hooey answer, doesn't really say much, does it. But I have been coming to terms with other fears lately, or at least realizing them.

What am I afraid of? Let me tell you.

I've always been afraid of annihilation. When I was a boy, it was a terror of nuclear armaggedon. It later blossomed into a dread of disease, of contagion. Of watching my body shut down in terrible ways, not merely due to age, but watching my natural biological systems suffer though biochemically inflicted nastiness. I am terrified of losing people I love to such ends. My friend John (not my gore movie buddy, but another John; I know several, how many do you know?) used to tease me about these fears. He claimed he was Prepared to Die, that he was not afraid of The End Of Things That Are or the eradication of humanity, etc. These ideas did not give him pause, in fact he was looking forward, strangely enough to the end of civilization because he wanted to 'go back' to living as some sort of medeival-style king. Just the product of teenage idiocy, you might say, but he was just shy of thirty when he espoused this to me.

Ironic sidenote: my first real girlfriend was misanthropic, hated the entirity of humanity. She often talked about developing a superbug (disease, bacteria, whatever) to eradicate humanity. Now, pause and chuckle at that, if you like, but here's the capper. She got a call from the US Navy, and when she was asked what she wanted to do with her life, she gave her typical reply, "Engineer a virus to wipe out humantiy" and here's what the navy recruiter told her, "Really? Well, then, you should sign up with the Navy. We have entire departments devoted to those kinds of studies!" Was this recruiter joking? It's one thing to hypothesize about things like this, it's another to consider that there are people who are working on these things right now. Yeah, I can hear the cynical bunch now: this is nothing new, hey, we read/saw King's The Stand/Hodge's Dark Advent, etc. Does previous exposure make this any less creepy?

Now, the painful death thing, the obliteration of our species thing causes me dread. Not quite paralyzing horror, but certainly butterflies in the stomach, skin crawling fear.

But these are not the only things I fear. These are two big ones.

I am also terrified of the huge fuel expenditures we're making. War for oil, and how much oil do we waste in seeking it out? And what will happen in forty years when there's no more left? Not an alarmist reaction here, forty years is pretty optimistic at our current rates of consumption. What's going to happen, then? Go over to alternative fuels, you say. Yeah, I say, and please don't mind my snort of derision. Our society isn't interested in researching this. When I think about this, I feel two things: sadness and gut wrenching terror. So don't think about it, someone would say (not you, maybe). No one else is, so why should I? Because I'm wired to think about the things I shouldn't, to talk about the things I shouldn't, to question the things I'm told are unimportant.

Right now, I'm a little worried about losing my job, too. When the fears rain, they fill up all the nitches, don't they?!

I'm nervous, gang.
  • Current Mood
    scared take a friggin guess